Christmas comes but once a year...but memories last forever

It's Christmas eve and as I sit in bed surveying the world around me, I have an overwhelming feeling of sadness.

On this day, 30 years ago, my mother was living in a foreign country, with two babies, and an overwhelming case of depression. She chose on this day to pick up her purse off the nigtstand and walk out the door, leaving her babies crying in their cots.

She headed to a liqueur store and bought a bottle of vodka. Then she drove along the road and looked out for the first motel that she could find. Pulling up, parking the car, registering for one night only....she knew what she was going to do.

She walked from the check-in desk to the motel room. She breathed in the last but of her surroundings...the darkness of the night, the freshness of the cool air, the colors of the Christmas lights....and walked into the room that would become her coffin.

I wonder what the last thoughts she had were as she drank from the bottle of vodka and washed down the pills...

Did she think about the morning after? Who would find her? What would happen to those two baby girls crying for their mother's milk?

Knowing what depression makes you feel, I have to think not. That instead she only felt sadness. A pain of such heaviness that she could only feel a heavy heart, the loneliness that no-one understood her, that things could never change, that others were better off without her.

I put this story in the back of my mind most o the time, but every year at Christmas it comes back to me, especially as I grow older myself, and have felt those same feelings that she must have felt. I wanted to do the same thing she did, but I didn't.

I chose life.

Taking out the trash...and a return to normalcy

When the fog lifts from around you, it is a gradual event and not something that happens instantly. At the same time, you don't often notice that the fog was shifting slowly until you see the sun and decide to take out the trash.

Taking out the trash....it seems like such a little thing. But I have not done that for 6 months. To not only DO the action but also THINK that it needs to be done....it feels so normal, so casual, so everyday life. Just thinking about it makes my heart race and want me to jump up and down for joy.

A return to normalcy ... a peaceful thought indeed.

Image is of Jessica Biel (not me, bit love the pink robe!)

Source imaged from Hollywood Actress Blog Spot

30 Days to Turning 30...11 to go

So I'm turning 30 soon and have been trying to live life to the fullest for the past few months. I went to New Zealand in December on an action adventure tour and pushed myself to the physical limits....was fantastic!

I recently got passed this article (headline above) about a student that did the same activity I did on Christmas Day, river surfing. It was indeed the most extreme event I've ever done and my husband, DrN went under in exactly the same place as Emily did. He was under for 20 seconds and had to be rescued to come up from under the water. He managed to get through the rest of the river surfing trip but was as white as a sheet and was spewing up water for the rest of the trip.

Reading this makes me both really thankful that he survived as well as stupid that I had all this false bravado and sense of safety. "That's what the life preservers are for" and "they wouldn't take us on this if it was really that bad".

Well, sometimes things are dangerous, and you have to assess the risks you take, and not assume that because others do it, so should you.

Today I am simply thankful that I have the opportunity to turn 30...

My love and sympathy goes out to Emily's family and friends.

Full Article: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-562818/The-pictures-beautiful-British-student-killed-bodyboarding-New-Zealand.html