Friday Feeling

Gosh, I sure am exhausted today as had 2 big emotional events - and neither the happy kind.

#1 Revelations with my personal coach
#2 Surviving the 4 hour aimless meeting

#1 Revelations with my personal coach
Been working on those factors that lie "under the hood" that cause me to act the way I do in some situations. Every had a major emotional responses to an individual - knowing its not rational how you feel - but not being able to act differently.
Its usually because there is an underlying reason....

So today I worked to find the underlying reason of my response to my boss - a female that is a command and control type manager that does not listen to feedback. I've been feeling REALLY bad feelings - anger, apathy, stress - that has built up over time from the fact that no feedback is listened to with my suggestions. And I no longer feel rational...I avoid her and work, I play games to get through meetings, and am so unproductive at work.

There are many things that make her a bad manager let alone a leader - but the response I'm having is not rational in proportion....and I explored the underlying reasons and found a pattern
I have with women authority figures....they typically try to be a mother figure. And because I lost my mother at age 2, there is a void that will not be filled, with a violent reaction to anything that trys to fill it. I left feeling completely RAW.

#2 Surviving the 4 hour aimless meeting
I wrote about this earlier this week, so again nothing new. Just a longer meeting at 4 hours with no agenda set. I asked at the start of the meeting and was told "we'll get there" and then it went on and on. I asked the same question again 4 more times with the same answer.
Sounds crazy, right? Like I should just walk out and not attend?
But its a meeting led by my boss - so not really having any control here...
I was not the only one lost, but there was someone that was on board with the boss so she continued on with that aimless thought that it was all ok.
And guess what, 3.5 hours later (some miracles exist for this), we walked out with nothing...surprise!

I decided to send an email with tips to make future meetings successful about agendas, goals, timekeeping, and action items. Nothing personal, just tips for an effective meeting.
And that sure got a response - a 1 page long email at 8pm on a friday night about the meeting...blah blah...expectations...blah blah...responsibility...!

I still give it a 50/50 shot that we'll get an agenda for the next meeting...