Have you ever felt like your life gets out of balance? That you feel sad when you should be grateful? Or happy on a day that the rain is falling? I'm blaming my emotional accountant.
For instance, today I'm feeling so alone in this life of mine. I'm rational enough to know I'm not the only person in the world to feel alone....but yet I sit and stare out the window and ache in my loneliness. The corner where I watch the world pass me by....with people laughing and singing and dancing and being happy. The corner where I wonder why I don't feel that.
My emotional accountant is not telling me anything is out of balance so I continue sitting in my corner.
I get up from the corner of the window and move to a new corner - of the couch. I flip on the TV and become part of the fantasies that they lay out in front of me.
The teenage passionate love in Twilight - where the aching heart pines for her soul mate and nothing can console her except for a kiss from her true love.
A dinner table scene with a couple in their 60's surrounded by their 4 grown kids....will I have that? Is it a simple moment we cling to like a family dinner?
How many of those 'moments' make up happiness. For even in the TV show the dinner ended with the father in financial ruin and having an affair on his wife of 40 years. That 'moment' didn't seem to last there.
Is there a ratio of happy:sad that tips the balance? Is it 50:50 the best we can hope for? Or is the strength of those moments that make up the balance of happiness?
1 laugh = 3 smiles = 2 groans = 1 tear?
How do we keep the books on this balance? Do we have an emotional accountant that has the debits and credits lined up? Do we have quarterly review that states "Q1 was a happy quarter" or "The cash flow of happiness is drying up this quarter"?
I think my emotional accountant is telling me that I've been forgetting to keep the books....so he can't tell me which way it is....and telling me I should know. It is my life after all.
So I continue to look outside the window, feeling the warm rays of light hit my face, with the direction of the light entering my eyes so strongly that I feel my eyes water with a tear. Or is that tear one of sadness from the loneliness I feel?
Darn that accountant not keeping the internal balance right.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
I just started my Life Coach sessions again....I feel so energized
Your job is to be a problem solver for executives as in “make it go away” or “implement this idea” or “build a high performing team”
They forget to tell you that it’s also about dealing with executives that forgot the middle layer squeeze, peers that don’t want to help because it stops them getting the credit, employees that need care and feeding on a continuous basis, that timelines and expectations get shorter and shorter in a world of instant communication, and that the tools you need to do your job are always playing catch-up. Oh and one more – that you will be expected to be in meetings with all these people between 9-5pm every day….leaving you to do “the work” in your spare time.
I pride myself on someone that likes to do a lot and deliver great results on all of them. I’ve got a track record with results, awards and people that can attest to this. So why am I sitting here at 7pm at night having to write this message of despair? It surely must be my fault – something I’m not doing right? A better leader would be able to do all this and more….
Here was a day in the life of me…you decide:
Work starts at 6am when I wake up, thinking about the tasks I have to get done that day whilst I get ready. There is always such a volume of work and deadlines (strategy, 10 year vision, group plan, performance reviews, employee 1-1’s, compliance training and sign-offs….before the actual team deliverables) that it usually about “who will scream the loudest” if this isn’t done.
I roll in at 8am ready to get going. Waiting for the computer to load for 20 minutes – got to love IT security. Checking the blackberry emails while the computer loads – only 10 new issues to manage came in since I last checked. “Can you just pull this” “I got your name” “I’m a vendor with a new solution” “I’m calling in sick”. Which ones do I deal with – the little tactical issues to stem them before they snowball or the strategic items piling up as a “one day”….always a struggle.
Meetings start at 9am. First one is supporting 2 innovative solutions that could make the work of the team easier over time. But it needs investment and time from the team of “only a few hours” to make this possible. Team is at full capacity with a backlog longer than we’d ever get to. I use the ‘probing questions’ technique as the method of deflection to commit. What a great feeling!
30 mins with a peer in town to stop by – we chat about solving for workload, being told my team does not solve her needs and she’s already agreed with our boss that she’ll solve for it her own way. Should I feel thankful that this person found their own solution or incompetent that I could not provide a solution for the organization? I try to stick to the former….but if there are too many of these it becomes the latter.
3 Instant message have been popping up during this with more of those “quick question” and “can you just” conversations. Multi-tasking is the way of life. I need to pee, but that won’t happen for another 2 hours, whilst I heat up a 5 minute microwave meal.
30 minutes to decide a strategy for an emerging trend – oh and can you just make a forecast as well before tomorrow? Back of the envelope created during the meeting. But asking myself “would you want to invest and put your name and brand on this knowing you put 5 minutes in this?”….so adding a task on my list of “1 day turnaround” items that has to get done….guess I’m leaving later today.
Another meeting with another peer – this one really fun with them stating “they can’t work or talk to me until their 2 VP bosses put it on her priority list” because “I can’t do more than 5 things”. That sure is team spirit to me!
2 hours attending a staff meeting- where I get told “I’m a leader of the org but can’t attend the people discussions” “I need to attend the frontline manager training that is being offered (no-one else, just me?)” and “your team could deliver what we need in 3 years but we need it in 1, so I’m hiring people better than you”. I walk away feeling dejected as a leader that contributes anything let alone something valuable.
And of course more work added - I have 7 days to gather conduct an assessment of my team, 14 days to get their annual pay and bonus set up. Seems reasonable – even somewhat luxurious compared to most of the requests on the plate. I think of creative innovative best ways to make this experience more beneficial and a learning opportunity for the team….but soon get squashed by the idea I’ll have to do it all alone. There are thousands of managers in the same boat here….there must be solutions out there. Be quicker to just do it than to search for it. I still have all those other things to do from today…and yesterday…and be proactive about the items on the horizon…
I walk away at the end of the day just thinking…. is this a function of the person, the role, the work, or the organization? It surely must be my fault – something I’m not doing right? A better leader would be able to do all this and more….
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Friday, May 7, 2010
a week can go by really fast or really slow. have to say that this week was absolutely exhausting.
Sunday - did my first triathlon - absolute high!
Monday - hubby confirmed as chicken pox, I'm home nursemaid - scared and nervous
Tuesday - chicken pox hit scary times with a near drowning incident - very scared and losing sleep
Wednesday - still nursemaid and english guests arrive needing TLC and a city tour - tired exhusted from trying to "do it all"
Thursday - nursemaid, guest relations, and attending double booked meetings for work - playing catch-up and juggling glass balls
Friday - nothing left in the tank, not seeing light at the end of this long dark tunnel
what a week....chicken pox nursemaid...glad i had it as a kid
