I've heard the term
"codependency" banded around
alot in my relationship with my husband. It always sounds like a BAD word. And sometimes it is...but sometimes it is our strength.
So I wanted to spend some time understanding what codependency means in a relationship...
Taken from "Codependant Relationships" -
Psych Central ArticleCo-dependency occurs when
two people form a relationship with each other because neither feels that he or she can "stand alone." Neither person feels capable or self-reliant. It is as if two half parts are trying to make a whole. Both partners are seeking to
become psychologically complete by binding the other partner to themselves. For example, a female partner may spend most of her attention and time assisting her lover in recovering from drug addiction. She feels a
sense of purpose and may appear to be wonderfully self-sacrificing. However, she may also be
avoiding her own unhappiness and personal issues -- like her fear of abandonment. Her partner may believe that he can't deal with his addiction without her. He vacillates between feeling grateful for her help and resentful for what he feels is her nagging and smothering behavior. Many co-dependent partners report feeling "let down," "taken advantage of," or "trapped" by their needy partner when they are really "trapped" by their own overwhelming neediness. The addicted partner is also using his complaints about the relationship to avoid dealing with his own neediness and addiction
In co-dependent relationships,
"We need each other,"
which can be a healthy thing, often covers over "I need you to need me"; this can lead to "I will keep you needy because, if you ever get better,
I am afraid that you will leave me." This kind of interaction is grounded in desperation and often spawns abusive and obsessive relationships grounded in neediness and control rather than love and respect.
How do we overcome co-dependency? This developmental pathway to independence and interdependence is always available to us and our loved ones. We can move from the symbiosis of "I can't live without you," to the counter-dependency of "I refuse to be co-dependent" with its baby -steps toward a separate self, to the more solid foundation of being centered in an independent self, and then to the maturity of interdependence. A first step is to recognize the problem and reach out for help. Once
help is received, it is critical to stick with the process of recovery through the fears and protests of neediness from within as well as outside the self. In this process, a
person needs support from others who can show them the way, challenge them when they are falling back into old ways, and cheer them on.
My thoughts after reading this....- It's not always a bad thing - especially when it is not an abusive relationship or based on addiction (although can personality needs be 'addictive'?)
- If you use a relationship to avoid probing on yourself - it might be because you are not ready, not willing, or not aware
- When you become aware - you'll need to have some help and support to move towards independence and confidence if your own self-esteem
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