Sunday, August 30, 2009

"Moving Day" - a life story


Here is something I wrote about a childhood memory called "Moving Day"


Lacy was 9 years old. She was the stereotypical southern California girl, slim and tanned from regular outdoor sunshine, with sandy blonde hair untamed from a brush and instead combed by the wind and the dirt and the pools she swam in. Her eyes were a bright blue-green that were shining with a mixture of curiousness and adventure. But they also had a intensiveness that belied she had seen too much too young. Her demeanor was most often of restlessness from having too many unanswered questions in her life so far.

Today was Sunday, a day when adults can play with their children instead of the weekday office grind. Lacy sat on the grass in front of the suburban american home waiting for her father to arrive. She was living with Judy, a temporary home carer for Lacy and her sister Madelaine, whilst their father left to answer those life questions of his own he needed to answer. And what father wants to drag two young girls around during that period of their life?

Lacy's father had charmed a mother at her school, stating he needed some help for a few weeks whilst he had to leave on business, targeting the women who could not resist the story of a single father or the charm of the British accent he so eloquently spoke with. Lacy and her sister were usually moved in within the day of an offer.

At Judy's house, on this Sunday, Lacy sat waiting for the few precious hours to spend with her father. He arrived late in the morning, driving up in a battered old Honda and parked on the sidewalk. Lacy jumped up from the ground and sped towards the car.

"Daddy, Daddy!"

"Hello my little brown girl"

"Did you bring me anything from your trip?"

"Yes, I did. It is a special gift for you to write memories in"

And he handed Lacy a pink plastic diary. It was the best thing she had even seen, covered in little hearts and kittens, and even though she was the ultimate tomboy and pink was THE worst color, the gift was immediately treasured and held closely to her chest.

"I have something for you to write in it"

"What is that, Daddy?"

"A new address."

"Really, what is the address for?"

"For us. We are going to move and all live together again"

"Really? That's the best news ever, when do we move, will I have my own room, can I bring all my things...?"

Lacy continued to ask all the questions a 9 year old cares about bringing - she was no stranger to moving as this was the 10th place she had lived in her 9 years, and had become accustomed to seeing these moves as an adventure with new friends to be made, and not of it as a loss of everything she had today. Plus this time, she would be with her Daddy.

Later that night, Lacy sat on the bed she shared with 3 other girls at Judy's house and wrote in her pink diary "May 10th - The day we will be a family again". She had counted over 3 years since she had lived with her Daddy and was excited that she was going to be able to see him everyday. She was tired of living with strangers - they were often nice for a few weeks but would then lose their temper with her and hurt her. She thought about the past few caretakers...

Judy was fond of throwing hurtful things at Lacy like "your father doesn't love you, he abandoned you and dumped you on me".
Black Mama was fond of the leather belt. Lacy winced at remembering the pain of a leather belt smacking against her bare skin.
Reverend Jane would preach to her about the need for salvation with a look of fire in her eyes that scared her.
Maria could not speak a word of English and just spoke Spanish at her and pointed.

But all this would be gone because Lacy was going to live with her Daddy. 'He loves me and will look after me forever' she thought, doodling in the pink diary.

May 10th - "Moving Day"

Lacy's father arrived on moving day and picked her up in a magic car, a convertible light blue Volkswagen Beetle! The hood was down, and Lacy's father looked like a movie star with his hair swishing in the wind, dark shades on, and his tan face showing the hint of fine lines as he smiled. The sun seemed to smile when he smiled, not only to Lacy but to Judy as well.

"How are you Jeff?" said Judy, brightly, looking for the affection and attention of a handsome man

"Very well Judy. I wanted to thank you for looking after my girls for me."

"Oh, it's been no trouble at all. They are just soooo wonderful"

Lacy watched and thought how different Judy acted when her father was here then when he wasn't. Most days as soon as he turned the corner, she would grimace and start telling her how much of a problem she and her sister were. She had only just made her sister sleep all night in her wet bed sheets to "teach her a lesson".

"The girls are all packed up and ready to go. Again, it has been a great pleasure to have them here"

Lacy pack all her belongings into the Volkswagen Beetle, a grand total of two suitcases. She waved goodbye to Judy as they drove off, then turned back into her seat, quickly and easily forgetting the life with Judy, whilst smiling excitedly for the next chapter in her life...all whilst holding the pink plastic diary to her chest.

A weight lifted off my shoulders...


You can't always change a situation you are in straight away, but you can change how you act during the situation, and know that it can change in the future.

My work situation has not been ideal for the past few months. I'm not saying it's ever perfect - we all have bad managers, dysfunctional teams, and unappreciative organizations.

But sometimes you don't care because you are engaged and loving the work and what you are doing.
Other times you see it, and the micromanagement of everything you do every day wears you down.
As a person that thrives on energy, I have to really focus on areas of work that energize me and not take it away. But I was not in a situation that gave me much choice in the short term.

I was aware of it - and practiced many things to manage it. See prior entries of breathing or the occasionally rant.

But the decision to change it was finally made today - and I have to say it felt like an emotional release. A weight off my shoulders is such a cliche - but oh so true in this situation. I left work and felt positive and hopeful and excited.

I sat and waited for my flight at the airport for 2 hours, and have to say I was the most productive I had been in weeks. My mind felt able to focus, to think, to breathe.

It was if I was gasping for air that I had not breathed again - and I was feeling elated. I still am 3 days later, and I'm looking forward to keep feeling like this for as long as possible.

What a great feeling!


Monday, August 24, 2009

Jeff and Jar Showgram are off the air! need to find something else to wake up to. what happened? http://ping.fm/e2HlS

Friday, August 21, 2009

I almost made a whole meeting without talking

Oh man, me and my big mouth!
I know it can get me into trouble - I tell myself to keep quiet.
But I guess I have a passion for doing the right thing (or maybe the need to be heard!)

So I got through 2 meetings today that tend to 'trigger' me (aka get me fired up) and made through both with only talking for a few minutes.

Great job and pat on the back for that!

I didn't manage to keep quiet for the whole meeting though....I guess 1 minute of trouble is better than 60! Hee-hee

I am glad it's Friday! I get to go home, close my door and be myself for a whole 2 days. Wonderful thought!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Too many Cooks in the kitchen....delivering a burnt cake

I have too many cooks in the kitchen.

Well, instead let's say there are too many chefs in the kitchen.

They all want to bark orders and wear the big hat.

But none want to be the sous chef, to prep the vegetables, to saute the meat.



And I'm in the middle trying to do many of the roles left in the wings:


  • The job of the hostess - greeting and making people feel welcome to the restaurant

  • The job of the waiter - serving all the customers what they ordered

  • Sous chef - rallying the other cooks who just want to cook a great meal

  • Kitchen rat - scurrying around hiding from the various chef's cleavers

Shouldn’t we all just focus on creating a great meal?

Monday, August 17, 2009

Why can't life be Black & White?

I am the type of person that grew up believing in right and wrong, black and white, a decision that is clear to be made.


But the older I get the amount of blur between these two becomes more and more. There is always a "if" and "in this situation" and the worse one..."depends"




aaarrgh! makes me feel very frustrated that life becomes much more complicated.

  • Can you ever feel like you made the right decision?

  • Can't every discussion just be debated back and forth forever?

  • How can you ever truly make decisions that don't haunt you from the 'other' side of the decisions?
  • How do you cherish and relish the life of a kaleidoscope of images and views and not get lost in the twisted chaotic nature?

Picture Source: Creative Glass Guild

Friday, August 14, 2009

Geocaching with animals - they just won't "moo've" off the road! http://tiny.cc/OhuFa
yeah I've moved into my new home...what a great feeling with so many boxes of my stuff around

Moved into my new home!

yummy - what a great feeling to move into your own home.
having my own 4 walls, my own door, my own little world that I can close out rest of the world and just enjoy the world I create.

it gives me a chance to breathe, relax, and be anything i want to be. sometimes that is blasting the techno music and dancing around naked. sometimes that is huddling in a corner under a blanket. sometimes that is doing little jobs around the house like painting, cleaning....but i love it.

have been living in an apartment for 6 months - other people's furniture - and just a couple of suitcases of my own stuff.

having the new home and all the memories arrive in boxes - the vacation in Kos, the zebra print that we bought on a whim, the pillow top mattress that you just melt in.....aaaah I just feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulder of waiting for this.

So I'm savoring that moment....yummy!

Saturday, August 1, 2009

What a Week of Stress!

I had to ask myself the question this week....was I going to go crazy!?

  • Closed my house purchase...all the final paperwork flurry
  • Bank lost $000,000's in a **NEW** Online banking feature (obviously with glitches!)
  • Work had 2 more organization changes with 2 more planned - so waiting it out as best as I can - but seeing it cause more chaos with people
  • Managing the multitudes of opinions and 'feedback' on projects I am on with upcoming deadlines - whose do I follow when they are all key people in different ways?


All this resulted in a much higher level of stress than usual.

Then I found this picture showing the body's reactions to stress - I think this just made me stress out more!?

And I spend a lot of time self-analyzing, trying to understand the pieces and decisions and actions that make all this up to understand

  • what can I do differently to not get as stressed?
  • what amount of this is me, and what is out of my control?
  • do I create this stress? how and why?
  • will I ever be able to be the person that is 'the calm in the storm'?

And of course, asking myself these questions encourages or promotes the stress!! A Catch-22 indeed!